Thursday, April 24, 2008

nothing moves till you dont

I tried it for a day and it was so much fun! Just telling everyone and everything to go take a walk and do exactly what I wanted to. Strange, is what I felt in the morning, never done this kind of thing before. From singing loudly in the shower to telling the guy who called to sell you a credit card that you think strawberry ice cream is the best cure for a hangover. It was such fun. At work it was…eh..tough.Doodling through yet another meeting was just not working. Taking a deep breath, told Mr. Know It All, that his plan would never work. Deafening silence. Didn’t think I would ever be able to talk without choking. It’s only for a day, do it said the faint inner voice. Like the well dressed guys in the movies, I stood up and said what I thought would work. By the end of it, don’t know why I could see pink slips flying all over the room. They were saying something and it didn’t sound like English. Seventeen minutes in the washroom and I felt like a rock star. It took that long to stop seeing stars, silly. I loved this new game. Didn’t make excuses and actually told someone that I did not want to have lunch with them today. The look on the face was priceless! Put my point of view across on all the mails, sms and calls that took place for the next couple of hours. The strangest reaction I got was from a colleague in Delhi, who wanted to know if it’s my birthday. In some ways it was I guess. But still trying to figure that one, is it because are allowed to do what they like on their birthdays? No one wants to stop you on that day. Then I want a birthday everyday! Doing things my way was a revelation that I loved. Next I called the friend I had been meaning to…for the last two years. It was scary. I had to say sorry and wanted to try it the day I had this new found confidence. Being speechless on an international call felt strange. Between sobs and giggles we were two happy souls. You never have so many friends that you can afford to lose one. The rest of the evening was even better, told a guy I barely knew that we must meet up for coffee, told my aunt how if she left the world tomorrow the characters in her life consuming soaps, wouldn’t care. Stayed up all night reading my half abandoned book. Ate maggi noodles after telling my mom that it was dinner. This was so liberating. Doing things instead of just wanting to do them.

sau gram sukoon

Meri dukaan hai bahut choti si
Par bheed hamesha hoti hai
Shor bhi kabhi thamta nahi
“Ek chutki chain de do”
mand mand muskara raha hai
shayad aaj ek chutki se kaam chal jaayega
“sau gram sukoon” hichkicha kar maanga sagar ne
sava kilo thamaya maine
sukoon thoda zyaada hi ho to behtar
“ek piece peace” maanga uss anjaan naye chehre ne
sheeshe ke darwaaze se maine dekha usse
bahar nikalte hi kha gaya
ulte paanv lauta
“pav kilo peace please”
bambai ka lagta hai
“aadha kilo aaram” chaha auntyji ne
dhai so gram dhiraj bhi de diya maine
bahut raat ho chuki thi
apni iss bina poster ki dukaan bandh hi kar rahi thi
sabse purana grahak aa pahuncha
pata nahi kya kaha uski thaki ankhon ne
khushi ki khichdi, vahi kaam aayegi
usse pakadayi aur vo phir bhi khada raha
jaise usse pata tha main kuch kehna chahti hoon
iss mein thoda namak ishq ka daal lena.
ab dukaan bandh hai
kal yeh kahani phir chhedenge
hum bhi zara ab so le hain….

living in disneyland

Can one get bored in Switzerland? Well it’s happened to me.
A couple of months ago and that’s when I wrote this….
At some level it seems so bloody perfect. Ok so we are not ready to accept something like that and look for the loop holes
In our case we are both crazy about each other, the chemistry is overwhelming
Yet we know its not going to last
Just waiting to see how it ends!
We spend some great time together, make each other laugh, genuinely care, the works
Yet both of us know that something is missing
The other one is not “the” one
So why are we still doing time together?
Coz we’re good friends? I think both of us have great friends who have been around for years and don’t need any more
Is it only physical? Maybe, but we wouldn’t admit that, come on we’re more than just f*%k buddies!
Something says enjoy the moment and to hell with the future
Do other people go through this as well?
It’s like watching a great film and yet knowing it’s a movie and will end soon
Then the harsh realities of waiting in the basement to get your car out
Yet we don’t want to let go
Till one of us finds the right one
Will it be hard on the other? Will we be friends after that?
Don’t want to actually get there
Till then we continue to enjoy Disneyland….and always remember that nobody lives there

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

into the mind of a male friend

Seeing her sitting opposite me, laughing and being her usual loud self, once again in the last 72 hours I asked myself, what the hell am I doing with this woman?
Eleven years ago in this same tacky plastic sheet covered dining room I had seen her and thought this dumb beauty is what I need in my life. Not those intelligent, ultra opinianted babes. That was an impulsive decision. Or rather a coward’s decision. I could not handle a woman who could call a spade a spade.
And I thought this one would worship the ground I walked on. Well she did, for a number of years. When stuff like cold coffee or a plane ride was a first time for her, when having a tv star over for dinner made her drop plates out of sheer nervousness.
One kid later, the constant fussing over me, the moony eyed look got to me. Get a life is what I said. She never said it but soon it was pretty obvious, I was the only life she had…or wanted.
I began to feel trapped. My failing business was blamed on her over possessiveness. That is what I let people believe. Wonder why I never let on, on my own sense of inadequacy, or when my partner told me that I had reached my zenith, I couldn’t fake my creativity any longer, I was inclined to believe he was right.
But hey this is about her, not me. Her nagging got louder. My need to impress her to show her how I was still god’s gift to humanity grew larger.
I never meant to belittle her but what did she ever do to deserve better. Even my dumb buddy’s wannabe wife had more substance.
Soon R was nothing but a foul mouthed nag who even dared to compare me with her idiotic friend’s moronic husbands
Gawd, this woman, this villager, was daring to tell me I was not good enough. I couldn’t bare the sight of her. It was only for my daughter that I put up with her. Not that I had much time to give my daughter either and noticed only how she was getting as obnoxious as her mom
And then breezed D into my life, young, peppy, ambitious, and someone who knew her mind, who never felt the need to cling. Just my kind of woman had I met her 10 years ago
We just got along like kindered souls. The attraction was instant but I treaded very slowly. The thought of a wife I was cheating on never crossed my mind, my greatest fear was what would she see in me.
Well I was wrong, D made me realize that I could still be witty, attractive, charming and a great lover
Two years into our “beautiful relationship” and I wanted to give it a sense of permanence. R of course was an irritant who did nothing but snoop around to find out if I was having a scene, and yet everytime she confronted me I denied it.
I really want to ask myself why? Was it because R meant something to me? I had feelings for her? Naah, the only thing I possibly felt was that she would at some level be there for me always, once all my so called pals and work buddies had moved on, made it big, she would still be around, making sure I didn’t starve or die drunk in a gutter. But couldn’t D be the same for me. In face she could even be an asset for my career. Was it that deep down somewhere, I knew that she would se through me and find someone better….R knew I was as good as it gets. You know what I think R and I deserve each other. Two scared spineless people who will never venture beyond the known and crib about it as long as we live. I hope our daughter does better

My daddy strongest

I believed it when I was 6 and still do at 36.
Having coped with loads of downs in life has made me tough, or so I believed…
Till I saw my hero, my papa crumbling under the pain and pressure of being ill
Sach much dukhta hai
Aise thodi na hota hai
Papa ke paas to sab answers hai
To ab kyun yeh doctor aise unhe daant raha hai
Kyun papa apni raub wali awaaz se unhe “takhlia” nahi keh rahe
It’s bloody tough to see your dad get old and eh…weak

size zero

Of course the concerns are all genuine, a guy cannot and will not ever understand the genuine, real hurt that a zit on the face on an important day can cause, what a bad hair day can do to your mood. Well the point is that after many agonizing days and nights over the inches that have miraculously appeared on the hips, over lips that stay chapped despite the truck loads of creams, I have and yes I can admit it, realized that there is more to me than the way I look.
Phew, I have said it! It’s hard to believe but I actually even mean it. Call it conditioning or wiring the truth is that being a woman meant I will try and judge myself by the way I look.
Sure I resent the babe who just joined the team and gets all the attention way before she opens her mouth, I want to slap the moron who I know is normally sane but believes I don’t exist when am accompanied by a pretty pal. Yet it’s very liberating to move beyond that. To go for a long walk because I want to and not because I have to. Eat a huge slice of apple pie and actually enjoy it. Curl up with a good book and loll in bed though I need to get waxed.
Its ok, chill

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

visual words

squeaky clean. just love the term. On a wednesday afternoon, dont know why, but i need to think of all the words and phrases that create pictures or sounds.

church bells, piping hot, jingle bells, resounding slap, baby pink, red hot. Something could be called hot but the minute you hear red hot, you know exactly what’s being spoken about.
That’s the magic I love. cool breeze and green grass do things, maybe not as much as a languid gaze or a pregnant pause, but they can be felt.
Every language has it, can recall a few in hindi, punjabi and urdu. Loads in mumbaiya hindi. Love all of them.
As you read this and a few more come up, like popping phrases, pls send me posts.
Maybe a talking movie or a book you can watch would emerge!