Friday, June 20, 2008

past the expiry date

“He was awful, he beat her up” “well she’s no saint either must have done something to provoke him, taali to…”
Simplistic isn’t it? The victim and the villain. He raised his hand, cannot be
Condoned under any circumstances. But what about the woman whose man has never raised his hand on her, has no “vices” so to speak but living with him is a new lesson in mental torture each day
Who sets the rules and what’s acceptable and what’s not
Spats and friction are a part of every relationship, agreed. Yet what’s a good time to realize that the relationship you are in is not ok and killing you.
What can begin as lighthearted banter, to be taken as a joke can often have the makings of some serious trouble? Most times you are too new in the relationship or too keen on him to pay attention to these signals. Sad but true.
Sure you guys were born in different homes and led lives that were not similar for a large part of your lives but that do not make his upbringing better than yours. Constant snide remarks on your upbringing, habits and family are not ok. It’s not on if either partner does that but the truth is that more often than not, it is the man who does it and gets away with it. Without your even realizing it there are a whole lot of times you think you should be agreeing with him. Use your own mind woman!
It’s all very cute to reveal all but it’s just better to be judicious if you think something is going to be held against you. Trust me there is a whole lot that you probably will never know about his growing years and it really doesn’t matter. The fact that the two of you have a great present and future is what is great
If the guy is totally putting you down repeatedly in public and private, it’s bad news. You are not in his life to make him look smart. Just smarten up and tell him to get his act together. There is stuff that he knows and you don’t but it works the other way as well too. So make that amply clear. If someone else were to make you feel small, be it a cousin or a smart alec at work wouldn’t the person get a mouthful or be struck off the list, so why should it be any different for your partner?
Its actually not so complicated. You give someone the permission to treat you badly and that’s why they do. It’s not like a stamped and sealed letter that you deliver but the body language, the letting things pass that give the bully strength. Your gut tells you its wrong but your conditioning tells you, you’re overreacting. Trust your gut.
Losing self confidence, having to think a million times before you air an opinion can be extremely stifling. It’s not natural and sooner or later you are bound to rebel. The sooner you do it, the better. The people who tell you, you should grin and bear it are the ones who wanted to but never had the guts to do it. Yes that includes your mother.
Claim your life back. It’s not about breaking up the relationship unless it is beyond redemption. It is about reclaiming your life. What do you want from life? What is the legacy you want to leave behind? Do you make time for your passions, your friends, people and things? Your happiness is your responsibility. Sure your partner should add to the happiness but if he is the only source of your happiness, it’s not on. Not fair to the guy either.
Please don’t live in a loveless lifeless relationship. You will rebel someday and by then you will have lost some very precious time. Think about it


Ras said...

u're scaring me! ok, well, i know how u mean it. i guess certain ground rules need to be defined at the start. what actually scared me was the part abt yr partner being the sole reason for happiness.. that does seem unfair..

Pratz said...

i cannot agree more with u here. :)