Wednesday, April 9, 2008

into the mind of a male friend

Seeing her sitting opposite me, laughing and being her usual loud self, once again in the last 72 hours I asked myself, what the hell am I doing with this woman?
Eleven years ago in this same tacky plastic sheet covered dining room I had seen her and thought this dumb beauty is what I need in my life. Not those intelligent, ultra opinianted babes. That was an impulsive decision. Or rather a coward’s decision. I could not handle a woman who could call a spade a spade.
And I thought this one would worship the ground I walked on. Well she did, for a number of years. When stuff like cold coffee or a plane ride was a first time for her, when having a tv star over for dinner made her drop plates out of sheer nervousness.
One kid later, the constant fussing over me, the moony eyed look got to me. Get a life is what I said. She never said it but soon it was pretty obvious, I was the only life she had…or wanted.
I began to feel trapped. My failing business was blamed on her over possessiveness. That is what I let people believe. Wonder why I never let on, on my own sense of inadequacy, or when my partner told me that I had reached my zenith, I couldn’t fake my creativity any longer, I was inclined to believe he was right.
But hey this is about her, not me. Her nagging got louder. My need to impress her to show her how I was still god’s gift to humanity grew larger.
I never meant to belittle her but what did she ever do to deserve better. Even my dumb buddy’s wannabe wife had more substance.
Soon R was nothing but a foul mouthed nag who even dared to compare me with her idiotic friend’s moronic husbands
Gawd, this woman, this villager, was daring to tell me I was not good enough. I couldn’t bare the sight of her. It was only for my daughter that I put up with her. Not that I had much time to give my daughter either and noticed only how she was getting as obnoxious as her mom
And then breezed D into my life, young, peppy, ambitious, and someone who knew her mind, who never felt the need to cling. Just my kind of woman had I met her 10 years ago
We just got along like kindered souls. The attraction was instant but I treaded very slowly. The thought of a wife I was cheating on never crossed my mind, my greatest fear was what would she see in me.
Well I was wrong, D made me realize that I could still be witty, attractive, charming and a great lover
Two years into our “beautiful relationship” and I wanted to give it a sense of permanence. R of course was an irritant who did nothing but snoop around to find out if I was having a scene, and yet everytime she confronted me I denied it.
I really want to ask myself why? Was it because R meant something to me? I had feelings for her? Naah, the only thing I possibly felt was that she would at some level be there for me always, once all my so called pals and work buddies had moved on, made it big, she would still be around, making sure I didn’t starve or die drunk in a gutter. But couldn’t D be the same for me. In face she could even be an asset for my career. Was it that deep down somewhere, I knew that she would se through me and find someone better….R knew I was as good as it gets. You know what I think R and I deserve each other. Two scared spineless people who will never venture beyond the known and crib about it as long as we live. I hope our daughter does better


shifa said...
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Plain Vanilla said...

i think a lot of people would relate to that post. sad. enjoyed reading it tho.